On Being God…

Have you ever lain awake at night worrying about something that is absolutely out of your control?

Imagining that if you worry hard enough something will change?

Convincing yourself that you…

and only you…

can fix whatever it is that’s wrong with your loved one or spiraling out of control in your life?

Taking it upon yourself to become embroiled in something only God can do?


Evening sky on Rigsby

I’ve been doing a lot of reflection lately especially since my son turned thirty-one,

“How is that even possible?”  I asked Hubs, “Why… only yesterday we were bringing him home from hospital with a gift basket packed with cornish game hens and a bottle of champagne.”

“And we didn’t have a clue about what we were letting ourselves in for!”

We laughed…was that really 31 years ago?

Looking back over my three decades of parenting it is quite clear that God was in charge and knew exactly what He was doing despite my cries of,

“Let me through!  I’ve got this one” as I rolled up my sleeves, “…no worries!”

Who am I kidding?  No worries indeed.  My life is one big worry and even when I think I’ve got it…He’s the one who gets it in the end and I’m reminded of a lovely blessing Hubs and I say some mornings:

“You go nowhere by accident, Wherever you go, God is sending you there.  Wherever you are God has put you there.  He has a purpose in your being there.  Christ, who indwells you, has something He wants to do through you, wherever you are.”

In my heart I believe that God is all powerful, that His sense of time is infinite while ours is temporal, that only He can see the big picture and knows The Plan and that remarkably and fantastically I, and mine, are part of it.

But in my head there’s quite another story and I should be hiding my face in shame right now.

In my head I can’t quite completely let go.  I know God’s got it but I think I’ve got it quicker and better.

After all, I know all the ins and outs of the situation and exactly how I want it to turn out.

“Follow me!”  I beckon to God, “We’ll do this together…”

and I beat my own drum.

In moments of contemplation I hang my head,

“Am I really a match for the One who created the world?”

The One who asked Job,

“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?” (38:4)(italics mine)

Lord knows I’ve muttered prayers during the restless watches of the night to still my racing heart,

I’ve taken an alka-seltzer to calm the nausea in my stomach,

I’ve taken long, deep breaths to clear my mind,

I’ve sat in the still of a darkened church and become one with the thrumming in my ears,

I’ve let the faint smells of bees wax and incense transport me to a less complicated time.

I have the tools, so why do I find it so difficult to step aside and let God past?


Fall flowers on the lane


I am human and cannot fully grasp my limitations.

I am human and God is shaped in my image.

I am human and will not ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name. (Psalm 96:8)

I am human and God knows me and loves me just as I am.

Rolled up sleeves and all…

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