When my prayers are answered,
When life seems to be falling into place without much help from me,
When the outcome could only have been the doing of God,
When I am amazed once again that what I have been doing in my ordinary, sometimes mundane, life is exactly what I ought to have been doing,
In God’s eyes anyway,
I rest in His arms.
My children have told me it un-nerves them that I remain so calm, my parents thought me hard, my friends brush me off as British, a stereotyping I can live with,
Hubs is simply amazed,
“You’re different from me,” he says, as I let everything unravel and come together again without much help from me.
Those closest to me want to be told my secret.
I tell them it took years of practice before I really let go and let God as the old cliche goes.
Letting go looks like a smile, a deep breath, a soft voice, a smooth gait, an unhurried meal, a
morning cup of coffee, a restorative nap, lunch for two outside on an English summer’s afternoon.
But mostly for me it looks like shivasana in my soul as I relinquish my worries to God while murmuring my mantras, the Lord’s Prayer, the Hail Mary and the Glory Be, over and
over and over again.
God has it all under control, there’s not a lot I can do except be wife, mother or friend.
It doesn’t mean I’m cured of worrying, fretting, talking, analysing and pulling things to shreds,
I just do it more softly.
Since God directs my life why do I need to pray?
To keep reminding Him of what I need and how I think things should be playing out! After all He has the whole world to look after. Surely I can help by nudging him, or, better yet, sorting out my own life with which I am intimately acquainted?
Do I really want to return to the hair pulling, the short temperedness, the anger, the depression and woeful face, the loud, hard laughter? Sometimes pity parties are satisfying…
If God doesn’t need my help remembering what is best for His creation why am I reminded to pray?
Because God, unlike homeschoolers, is a sociable divinity.
He wants me to talk to Him, He wants me to enjoy His creation and tell Him about it, that is why He created me to live in His world with a great big smile on my face.
And, in His wisdom, God knows that praying calms me down. I say my mantras to stop the flutters in my stomach or still the pounding of my heart.
All the same, at the back of my mind, even though I am a lot better at surrender than I used to be, there is a frequent visitor to my inner chat room. The idea I may be able to change God’s mind with a few carefully crafted words aimed in His direction. I yearn for the helm, longing for control!
God loves me completely while I wear myself out!
How does He fold our lives, one upon another, in such a way that makes me draw a sharp breath and enjoy the sweep of peace that passes all understanding?
The knowledge is not mine to have. He has a plan and I’m invited; that needs to be enough.
Well hello there! My name is Vivienne McNeny.
I am an empty nester exploring life as a Boomer…you could say I'm happily Boomering along!
As a homeschooling Mum I have finally quit the job of role model and mentor to my four children. I do what I want to do, eat when I feel like it, enjoy life with my blue eyed cowboy and clean my house once a month or so whether it needs it or not!
In true English form I write about the emergence of my true identity now that I can no longer hide behind my children as their Mum.
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