My oldest son called me this morning.  He was on his way home from work.  It was 2 in the morning, central time.

Where does he work you may wonder?  A bar or a club?  No!  He is one of the editors for the new TV show coming up in the Spring, Dallas!

Yes!  I kid you not!

As an avid fan of the drama being played out on my television screen, while I lived in Guernsey, between Sue Ellen, J.R., Bobby and Pam I was thrilled to discover they were making a continuation of the series, 20 years on, following the lives of the Ewing children!  Added to the thrill was the bonus that my son, who never watched an episode of the original show, was working on it!

I was in the middle of a Yoga class but it’s always good to hear a voice from back home so I paused my down-dogs for a while and had a chat.

We were just about to hang up when he asked if I had time to hear about a feeling he was having which was particularly strong that morning.  I always have time for my children so I sat back and said,

“Yes?  A feeling, about what?”

I have feelings, they are anxiety attacks that grip my stomach at the most inopportune moments.

Professionals tell me they are triggered by my thoughts.

Friends and I believe otherwise.  I have made mental notes of when these sinking feelings occur and my thoughts have not always been linked to my nausea.  I have also forced serious worrisome thoughts into my head and not triggered these  ‘feelings.’

I call my stomach plunges premonitions.  It’s as if I am attached to the emotions of someone I love and am experiencing their trauma in the pit of my stomach.

I waited for my son to tell me about his feeling.

He said it dawned on him that things were never going to be the same again.  With all of us and his friends going in different directions he would no longer have easy access to those he held near and dear to his heart.

It was a realization, an awareness, an epiphany, a word I should use today since it is the feast of the Magi.

My mind did a set of flips, this is what growing up and being independent is all about.

This is what I take into consideration when I think of what hubs and I are going to do when we return to Texas

I try not to think too hard about the inevitable dissipation of my family.

This is healthy too.  I always knew my children, if I did my job right, would eventually be able to stand firm and independently, carve their own lives, tenderly weaving sprinklings of their childhood traditions and memories into their own histories, one day at a time.

Being alone is not all its cracked up to be when you are a Mum in the midst of a toddler tantrum!

Being alone is difficult when it stretches before you like a trail of mist along the heath.

Being alone is a regular companion on the way to independence

I reflect, while sitting on my yoga mat listening to my son, that when he has a wife, letting go of what once was will be attractive, exciting and all consuming.  There will be no desire to languish, to look behind, for together they will embody the past and future into their here and now.

Sparkling new energy fizzing into a joint life of promise.

For now he anticipates the absence of friends and family in his future.

I didn’t have the chance to ask him how his realization was making him feel.

When I do I will tell him that he is exactly where God wants him to be.

Through prayer and grace he will be pleasantly surprised; there is a plan.

Each day  brings with it its own special treasure; there is a tumbling, a firing, a purifying for what lies ahead.

And he will be abundantly blessed.

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